Who I am on PrEP

When Brian came over we got right down to it. I kissed him, removing his shirt then took mine off, right at the door. We slowly made our way into my living room, lips locked. While chatting on Scruff, I didn’t mention that I was on PrEP. I made the decision to stop telling people online because I’d been rejected by guys who’d assumed that I was slutty, which I am but it’s not because of PrEP. I just liked sex and it doesn’t mean that I have a lot of STIs either like one guy had suggested. I also had someone tell me that I was going to die because of PrEP, which is a really strange thing to say under any circumstance. It’s not that I’m ashamed of being on PrEP either. With friends and co-workers I talk about it extensively in an effort to spread the word. If I start seeing someone regularly of course I tell them too, but when it comes to hook-ups I don’t feel compelled to advocate its use. I just want to cum.

I feel protected on PrEP, so much so that when my drug plan ran out I decided to order generic PrEP (Tenvir-EM) online. Although it’s prohibited to have the drug imported into Canada via mail, I was in the US for a few weeks and ordered it while I was there. Canadians are able to access it if they have it delivered to a US address and pick it up themselves. One can bring up to three month supply of Tenvir-EM across the border with them.

I’m pretty notorious for hooking up when drunk and I don’t always remember if I've been safe or not. I used to worry a lot about this and brand myself as irresponsible whenever I did this. I’m human though and nobody deserves HIV for simply drinking too much or doing drugs no matter what anybody says. I can finally see that now.

A lot of people, including myself, have fetishized cum because its been forbidden for so long. You’re not supposed to swallow it or take a load up your ass. A few friends who are on PrEP enjoy bottoming bareback perhaps because breaking stigmas are hot. Cum had been associated with sickness and death through the 80s and 90s, and is still is something that we’re taught to fear. As a result, I have to admit, I do love to swallow cum from strangers or whoever really—it’s my favorite sexually pleasure. With PrEP, I can enjoy this worry free even if I have a cut or sore in my mouth, which used to be the source of a lot of anxiety for me. Sex was never just sex before and I'd convinced myself that sooner or later I'd become positive. A misconception of my own.

Brian, my hook-up, threw me onto my sofa but things got a little clumsy from there. I started to suck his cock, then he tried to reach for mine and couldn’t because I was on his arm. He finally asked me to sit up so he could get his arm out, then flipped over and put his head close to my crotch. He sucked my dick but now I couldn’t reach his so I just threw my head back and enjoyed it. Though the sex got off to a rocky start, we soon found a rhythm. He slapped my ass really hard at one point, which was pretty hot. I slapped his back and that’s when things really got going.

After about 10 minutes of foreplay, he asked me to fuck him raw. After I'd started taking PrEP I decided that I wouldn’t bareback with complete strangers just because of the other STIs. Not that you can’t get STIs with condoms or from people that you know. I’d recently been treated for chlamydia and as far as I could tell that was from oral sex I had, but I don’t know, it was a decision that I made and so I stuck with it for the most part.

I felt like if I told Brian that I was on PrEP it’d be more difficult to convince him that a condom was a good idea and in fact I had someone refuse to have sex with me again because I wanted to wear a condom despite being on PrEP. That was another reason why I didn’t tell people. I didn’t need to be judged for my personal choices, not by strangers. I guess there are misconceptions all around.

I put a condom on and fucked him but made sure that he didn’t cum. I edged him for a bit then when I thought he was ready I pulled out, flipped him over and finished him off with his dick in my mouth. If I’m to be fully honest, I found his cum to be far too salty for my liking and it made me gag a bit. It wasn’t the most pleasant thing to swallow but it was still okay. I came shortly after that.

There certainly are a lot of misconceptions about PrEP. Fact is, not all sex on PrEP is great as proven with my new friend Brian. When I first started PrEP I thought that I would eventually bareback more often, but I didn’t. There are some occasions where I do, but it’s always at my discretion and mine alone. I’ve only ever contracted one STI in the one-plus years that I’ve been taking it, and that was after a series of oral-only public encounters, so I would’ve contracted that anyway. And not only do I feel more protected on the drug, scientifically speaking, I am by 99% more protected from HIV. Those are the facts about who I am as a gay man on PrEP and to be honest I’m started to care less about people who have ill-conceived notions about what it is and who I might be as a user. I’ll just continue to do my own thing my way.

By Mike Miksche Mike's work has appeared in Instinct, The Gay and Lesbian Review and Daily Xtra. His first novel, Paris Demands, is out now by Lethe Press.


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